An Offer To The New Secessionists

Dear Seceshs:

I wholly understand your embarrassed rage: I keep you afloat; you take in federal tax re-distributions far, far more than you ever give to the federal government.

And yet you whine whine whine (spodee-odee) all the time.


I’m considering seriously your re-secession, that is to say, after I import fine people now living in you who believe they’d be

                                    Better Off Blue:

– You get all the old slave states (save Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, Florida) and the so-called “right-to-work”, piss-on-union states.

– We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

– We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin. And, at that, even those two… they’re too forward-thinking for y’all.

– We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Stone Mountain and all the state flags with the embedded teensy-tiny Secesh (traitor) flags.

– We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom and Enron’s Corpse.

– We get Ivies, Stanford, Michigan, Harvey Mudd, Cal Tech, The Ohio State University, every fine small college north, northwest, and northeast of Kentucky. And every historically Black College no matter where.

– You get every post-secondary high school masquerading as a Kollege.

– We retain every United States military installation/base in every state. Y’all need passports to visit them or the United States.

– We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

– Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get Single-Mingles.

. We Also Get

.80% of the country’s fresh water

.90% of the pineapple and lettuce

.92% of the nation’s fresh fruit

.95% of America’s fine wines

.90% of its fine cheese

.90 percent of the high tech industry

.all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and the Pennsylvania Groundhog, Puxatawney Phil

.Universal Health Care

.Yosemite, the Tetons, Yellowstone, etc. (so y’all don’t start drilling for more gunk)

You Also Get:

.88% of The Morbidly-Obese and their projected work-related and health care costs

.92% of American mosquitoes

.nearly 100% of American tornadoes

.90% of American hurricanes

.100% of telefuckingvangelists


.78% of you believe Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

.84% of you are sure evolution’s “just a theory”.

. and well more of you than that are certain

–climate change is,

–the Court’s rulings on public-school forced bible reading are,

–TITLE IX and women’s abortion rights are,

–along with marriage equality…all responsible for hurricane and flood wreckage and that, for you,

Fine Dining’s The Olive Garden.


Colorado and Washington State are ours: they have the best legal marijuana now.




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