Open-Call: The Most Idiotic Lie We Told Our Parents
On 30 September 1960, at 8:30 in the evening, The Flintstones, hoping to capitalize on the The Honeymooners too-brief run, debuted on ABC. I was nine. I was keen to stay up.
In order to have my wise parents allow me wisely to watch wise Fred, wise Wilma, wise Barney, wise Betty, and sage Dino, I decided to approach my scholarly parents as their so-wise and scholarly son.
As mom reminded me it was time to get ready for bed, I told them that ABC had a very important new television program coming on soon and that even though it was a cartoon — my father’s eyebrows flew up instantly — our teacher, Mrs. B., wanted us to learn from it, that it would contain many valuable scientific lessons.
My mother’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, is that right? What kinds of lessons?'”
I ventured (my voice sincere): “She wants us to learn about how people as well as human beings lived in Dinosaur-Times.”
*
Memory is, yes, often too kind, often laced with grace: I’ve no detailed recall of what was said or done next. I do know I was in my lightless room in lightning order, my AM crystal-set radio confiscated ’til morning.
–
Please consider sharing an idiotic lie you told as a child.
09/14/2019 @ 11:24 am
🙂 Yours?
09/14/2019 @ 5:18 pm
I only told believable lies. Either that or my parents were especially gullible. Most likely just happy to have a reason not to deal with another kid.
09/14/2019 @ 5:20 pm
I think I have been a gullible dad.
03/26/2020 @ 12:21 pm
I love this post, Jon. I search my mind for lies, and can’t recall any. I’m not claiming that I never lied. That’s not possible. I think my trick bag was full of stupid deeds…which I readily confessed to when pressed. My Mom, a school teacher, once got a report about what a good kid I was. As a teacher, she viewed every such report with suspicion. So, she asked me, “Bitey, are you a goody 2-shoes?” I was livid. I asked her, are you accusing me of respecting adults, doing my homework, avoiding trouble?”…etc. Also, on my initial polygraph for the LAPD, one of the many questions was, “how many times had you smoked marijuana?” The acceptable number of times was 2. I was a former college student who had rarely done it, but managed to do it 4 times. I lied a purely calculated lie designed to get in under the limit. Having otherwise been a “goody 2-shoes”, even in college, I was able to truthfully answer “no” to about 300 or so other questions. I was squeaky. Also, as luck would have it, the pot questions came rather late. Once the test was over, I asked the Detective who was my chief investigator as he explained the results to me, “what does all of that say?”…or something like that. Then he looked at me and said, “you are extraordinarily honest.”
He went on to explain my biological responses to each question. They included respiration, perspiration, heart rate, and blood pressure. He said all of them remained perfectly even all the way though…except blood pressure. My blood pressure rose steadily throughout. I said nothing. Then, he explained that his interpretation was that a very honest person was experiencing growing irritation to the types of questions, which was to be expected. I remained silent.
I never did feel guilty about my extensive drug use in college. It was four total times, and the department labeled anything above twice to be “habitual use.” I was a habitual drug user. And I confess, I loved each and every time.