Al-Qaeda New Leadership Qualifying Questionnaire (2011)

Al Qaeda has announced that its search for a new leader is underway. 

                                                                                  — John King on CNN


1. Your Name_______________________

2. Your Courier’s Name________________

3. Your Disaffected Pre-Teen Jihad-in-Training (JIT) Name__________

4. Your Facebook Name________________

5. Your My-Jihad Name__________

6. Check All That Apply:

a.__ I can build a Kalishnikov rifle from sand.

b.___I can wield a scimitar.

c.___If selected, I will give up

My Comcast account__.

My Sports Illustrated subscription___.

Chinese Take-Out___.

d.___I dislike the Renaissance.

e.___I very much disdain modernism.

f.___I simply cannot abide post-modernism.

g.___Jews like d, e, f: I dislike Jews immensely.

h.___I think the Indiana Jones scene where he offs the Brother in the robe who’s wielding a scimitar, you know, the one where he casually shoots him with a gun, is

(check all that apply)


___very unfair

___a grossly unfair by-product of American arrogance

___Hollywood is controlled by Jews

___so is Bollywood

___was plagiarised from an Israeli Army training video

i. ___I used to like my Crickett Phone but now I hate what the data-package includes.

j. ___I think The Temps were better than The Four Tops.

k. ___I am a deeply spiritual killer who refuses to do the Mashed Potato or the Watusi because
i. _____ the singers were female girls
ii. _____ the records were produced in Jew York

l. Is There a Song In Your Heart?


I Most Identify With (check one):

i ____ Bet You’re Wondering How I Knew

Of Your Plans To Make Me


With Some Other Guy You Knew Before

Between the Two of Us Guys

You Know I Love You More

It Took Me By Surprise, I Must Say

When I Found Out Yesterday…

Don’t You Know That I

Heard It Through The Grapevine

Not Much Longer Would You Be Mine

Oh, I Heard It Through The Grapevine

And I’m Just About To Lose My Mind

Honey, Honey, Yeahhhhh


ii ___ I Don’t Like You, But I Love You,

Seems That I’m Alwaa-aays Thinking of You.

Oh, Oh, Oh You Treat Me Badly,

I Love You Madly…

You Really Got A Hold On Me.


iii ___ The Night We Met I Knew I Needed You So,

And, If I Had The Chance, I Knew I’d Never

Let You Go.

So, Won’t You Say You Love Me?

I’ll Make You So Proud of Me!

We’ll Make ‘Em Turn Their Heads, Ah

Everywhere We Go…


Won’t You Please, Be My, Be My Baby,

My One & Only Baby

Be My, Be My Baby

Be My Baby


Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

m. __ I dislike nosey neighbors with multiple antennae.

n. ___I think Pakistani Garrison Towns aren’t really all that.

o. ___I think Matlock’s Jihad name, when he was in the Atlanta Cell, should remain among the Pure and never let it be said aloud, Opie.

p. ___I have no fear of:

-1 ___”24″ re-runs

-2 ___Penelope Garcia

-3 ___Abby from NCIS or that nerd-guy she works with

-4 ___Jinns or Djinns

q. __I Can See Ramallah From My House.

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