GOOD NEWS! I Passed My Dementia-Test! …wait… … …
Doc says it happens to many early retirees who are alone with Doo Wop, MSNBC, Perry Mason re-runs, and a cat.
You know, no idea where your keys and specs are for weeks on end, you bumble into the kitchen at 1 p.m. only to be cheerily-eerily surprised at the now-cold pot of Morning Joe you brewed at 6 a.m.
You know, writing and no words come, none; you’re using Babylon to find great synonyms and turns of phrase only to close the site and instantly haven’t a clue what you were looking for, what you found, or why you looked.
You know, get a call from a guy with whom you’re regularly in touch, a guy who was your former student and great friend for thirty years only to have No Goddamned Idea Whose Voice This Is.
You know, she asks, “You really liked the chicken hot-pot from Fu-Shing this evening!” And you say, “Fu-Shing?”
You know, your well meaning son asks you for your card and ‘X dollars’ to help fix his Suzuki and you say “Yeah, sure; here!” to what turns out to have been a sincere request for ‘X-ponential’ dollars and you only recall something akin to the conversation when the bank statement arrives.
You know, like that.
So I called my doctor and arranged for her to give me a Thirty-Question Dementia Test. If I got fewer than 25 or maybe 24 or possibly 23 right, I’d be swaddled and bundled off to The Neurologist. And then carted off to Happy Acres.
I showed up on time; hopeful. But I always show on time, even well before on time. It drives T and G crazy. This time I was alone so it drove no one crazy except a woman in Waiting avidly watching Steve Harvey when I said, “Guy’s a moron-clown.” She gritted her teeth at me.
Dr. P. called for me quickly and asked if I were ready. “To what? Get scientific confirmation that what my son has said for years is true?”
“What country do you live in?’
“What state do you live in?”
“What year is it?”
“What is today’s date?” [I knew only because I read the ‘Times’ at 6 a.m.]
“Mr. W., they get a little tougher now.” [I grasp my spectacles and nearly twist off an ear-piece.]
“Spell the word WORLD backwards.”
“DLROW!”
“Very good!” [I am now flown back to Miss Jane’s Kindergarden.]
“Now, If I give you 100 light bulbs, take three away and then take away twenty more, how many do you have?”
“Seventy-seven.” [“Excellent.]
“Repeat these numbers in reverse order: 8317.” [I do.]
She reads me a three-sentence story about Jack and Jill. Jill is a Chicago stock trader; Jack, her husband, appears to have no work, a Ward Cleaver acolyte. They have three grown children, two daughters and a son who simply exist. I am asked what state they live in. I elicit a smile when I say “Illinois”. I am asked about other aspects of this compelling novella.
Finally, I get something wrong. Thank God. She’d asked me earlier to repeat back PEN, TIE, HOUSE, CAR, and something else. I have no idea the Something Else.
She shows me a triangle, a circle and a rectangle and asks me to mark the triangle with an “X”. I think of the “X-ponential” I’d donated to the local motor cycle repair shop. She asks me which figure is the biggest. I ask, “In terms of interior area?” She looks at me as if she’s dealing with an idiot. I say, “The rectangle.” She smiles.
She says, “In one minute name all the kinds of animals you can. Go!” I recall saying “Marmalute! No…Malamute!” I say close to forty in sixty-seconds. She says average is 23 or 25. The Dominoes ain’t got nothin’ on me. “I’m Your Sixty-Minute Man. Second. Sixty-Second Man. Whatevah.”
She says I got 29 of 30 overall. She says the average is far less. I say, sure, but it’s a somewhat self-selected group of Dement-oids.
She says, “Well, no need to see The Neurologist. Lotsa people who retire early and work alone all day writing and reading…watching politics and listening to music as you do…MULTI-TASKING…experience this…”
“…dumbassedness.”
“I wouldn’t say it quite that way.”
“Okay. What would you say?”
She sticks out her hand. “Great to see you, Mr. W. Let’s do a follow-up in three weeks!”
07/01/2019 @ 8:45 am
I will have to go over this again because I was up last night trying to remember the names of old girl friends…which is one of my memory exercises, along with remembering every job I’ve ever had (more than 50, actually), every car i’ve ever owned, every country I’ve visited, every place I’ve lived. Recently I have been noticing that there are some things that simply gone forever because the people whom I might have asked for help are all dead….or aren’t speaking to me any more….or both.
Jonathan Wolfman
07/01/2019 @ 9:53 am
🙂
Ron Powell
07/01/2019 @ 9:20 am
“Great to see you, Mr. W. Let’s do a follow-up in three weeks!”
The purpose of which is to what?:
Make sure you didn’t cheat?
Make sure that your 29 out of 30 wasn’t some kind of fluke?
Make sure that you can still include ‘malamute’ in your list of animals?
To see if you changed your socks?
What?
Or, may be it’s because your healthcare coverage makes you a cash cow for the doctor who now may bill you for an endless series of follow-ups and referrals as your life devolves into a never-ending stream of appointments and follow-ups because, as a relatively healthy senior citizen, you’ve got nothing better to do than to line the pockets of your personal physician, because your insurance covers nonessential visits and unnecessary examinations….
Jonathan Wolfman
07/01/2019 @ 9:24 am
🙂
koshersalaami
07/01/2019 @ 2:33 pm
I once tried it in a post, which I’ve since lost and don’t care, of who well-known I’ve ever seen in performance/concert. There are two I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen, and they’re both big deals: Yitzchak Perlman and Mikhail Barishnikov. My guess is yes to the violinist and no to the dancer. In my case, the list is pretty eclectic and I remember very little about most of the performances.
jpHart
07/16/2020 @ 4:30 am
I’ve been a ’60s guy ever since midnight 12/31/1959…0..! And as a throw-down to Uncle Albert…no, wait, wait; a throw-down to Papa Ernie (how’s it go: that six word tragic story challenge?):
“Baby shoes that were never worn.”-Hemingway
“Young soldiers on a yellow bus.” -Hart
Incense, peppermints yardstick for lunatics. (song fragment)
Banking off the north east wind. (Voight and Hoffman walking down the street starry eyed)
good golly ms molly whoa LO;}
‘…in the naked light I saw…’ (S&G: Sound of Silence)
‘…felt lightning~~waiting on the thunder…’ (Night Moves/ Seger)
jpHart
Still 500 miles away from home
thought by 30 I’d be dead
?SEE? All the good words have been taken!
O!swell! let me get back to this shutter gap whatchamacallit~~~this-here Neowise Comet comes ’round once every 68,000 years~~~like~~~the banging of the drum the pride and disgrace~~~and to borrow a tad of sorrow from Joan Baez: follow the bouncing ball!
>Midnight all alone on the pavement<
::SIGH::
seeallthegoodwordshavebeentaken:
Atlantic to Pacific~~ain't it terrific?!